Sport

NO-ONE at Liverpool FC has the heart to make Steven Gerrard retire before he is a pensioner, it has emerged.

THE cobbled streets of Yorkshire are empty as residents cower in their homes, terrified they could be made the new owner of Leeds United.

BOXER Dereck Chisora has landed a blow on Tyson Fury, 72 hours after their bout ended.

CHELSEA is the one football club in Europe not presently descending into chaos, it has been confirmed.

A 10-YEAR-OLD football fan has grudgingly hung a poster of James Milner on his wall.

LEWIS Hamilton has been recognised as the country’s number one Lewis of all time.

WIGAN Athletic owner Dave Whelan is to reach out to his many Jewish friends with a lavish pork banquet.

INJURY-HIT Arsenal and Manchester United have agreed to field only five players each for tomorrow’s game.

EVERY major sporting event will now take place under the blazing desert sun, it has been confirmed.

THE England squad are single-mindedly focused on showering and getting home as soon as possible after tonight's match against Scotland.