SCHOOL sports lessons are to move away from more ‘physical’ activities to focus on darts and snooker.
A government spokesman said: “As recent TV coverage proves, these are games we can actually win at.
“For years we have been pushing football and cricket, which we as a nation cannot play competently, when we should have been looking at the slower indoor games that are steeped in our indigenous drinking culture.
“What young lad doesn’t look at Jimmy White without wanting his living legend status, shiny hair and interesting complexion?”
12-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “At first I didn’t like it when they built a massive pub on the football pitch. It seemed very dark in there, with lots of old men coughing.
“But actually darts and snooker are really good, and because you don’t really sweat there’s no need for a humiliating group shower afterwards.”