LIFE on earth would be less violent if everyone just sat down and watched the snooker, it has emerged.
Snooker, which was briefly popular in the 80s when there was nothing else on, is now thought to hold the key to the world living in peaceful harmony.
Geopolitics expert Dr Julian Cook said: “I was reading a report about Boko Haram when a thought glided uninvited into my consciousness: ‘Fuck this. I’m watching the snooker.’
“And as Rocket Ronnie painstakingly eked out a win over Ricky Walden to reach the quarter-finals of the Masters, those calm, clicking red balls imparted to me a secret of the cosmos.
“Why do nations go to war? Because they’re not watching the snooker. Why do religious extremists kill and maim? Not watching the snooker.
“Why do we run ourselves ragged in the rat race in the name of the false paradise of consumerism? Snooker, not watching, as previous.
“Much as we trusted them, Chas & Dave’s Snooker Loopy couldn’t have been more wrong. Snooker makes mankind sane.”