subscribe
/ Sign Out

FA Cup giant-killings to be followed by Premier League dwarf-killings

FOLLOWING the weekend’s giant-killing FA Cup wins, the Premier League has promised that next weekend’s dwarf-crushings will continue as usual.

Rich teams with world-class players and worldwide support will steamroller smaller teams only allowed to share the same league as them to stretch it out a bit.

A Premier League spokesman said: “Now those people who believe that David beating Goliath is possible have been indulged, it’s time to get back to Goliath ignoring the stones bouncing off his head, ripping David in two and using the bits to wipe his arse.

“Neutrals like romance. Fans want a league where the giants treat the whole thing as a battle between themselves and call it ‘dropping two points’ if a pygmy ekes out a draw.”

Burnley manager Sean Dyche said: “It’s not like Jack and the Beanstalk, where you beat the giant and win all his treasure.

“You beat the giant, then the giant stands back up and stamps on you, steals all your best bits for a few desultory gold coins and leaves you broken and wretched in the dirt.

“They never kill you completely, though, because they need you around to beat up next year. So that’s the good news.”

Strange clingy people welcome room sharing

THE trend for sharing a rented room with a complete stranger has been welcomed by people who have no friends due to their weird personalities.

Soaring London rents are enabling thousands of social misfits to experience something that loosely resembles friendship for the first time.

Retail worker Wayne Hayes said: “After a lifetime of being shunned by other humans, being forced to share a room with someone is like all the most heartwarming bits of Friends rolled into one.

“I knew I was going to be best mates with my ‘roomie’ Pete when he didn’t immediately edge away from my mad staring eyes and deeply intrusive questions about his girlfriend’s sexual preferences.

“He’s been working really late every night this week so I’m going to surprise him when he gets in with a piping hot glass of Vimto and one of my famous sloppy liver-burgers.

“I’ve already got the Star Wars Risk board set up.”

Unemployed pet beautician Nikki Hollis said: “My new roommate Gemma is so nice I can’t resist stroking her hair while she sleeps, which is probably the sort of thing friends do.

“However I’m not happy about her spending so much time with her other friends who I think are a negative influence, so I might have to kill them.”

A spokesman for the Association of British Landlords said it would be looking into the problem then deciding it was fine as long as they continued to get money.

Next story ›