Premium

BRITAIN is due a general election this year and you’re overdue a bout of bedroom activity. But given widespread reluctance to call either, which will happen first?

A PATRIOT outraged by the Team GB flag would still give it one if it gave him the eye, he had admitted.

It’s not just Easter eggs you should keep away from dogs. They should also be discouraged from consuming an entire Simnel cake.

WAKING in John O’ Groats, after having aided my repose with several bottles of malt whisky, I reflect on the events that led me to isolation in the far North.

IF your child attends a comprehensive school, you have given up on them. You have decided hosing shit off roads for a job is all they can aspire to. And I respect that.

A MAN is unsure whether he had a great time last night or if he was just pissed, it has emerged.

FOR every act that conveyed their modest backgrounds with aplomb, some bands fetishised them to the point of embarrassment. Like these.

YOU’RE bored, you’re living a lie, and you’re interested in seeing what the young people are doing with their public hair these days. All valid reasons for having an affair.

Birkin bag? No, this is a Parkin bag. For keeping parkin in.

WAKING up in a bathtub full of empty vodka bottles, breaking wind wetly and relieving a mysterious thirst I have acquired by wrapping my mouth around the cold tap, I reflect on yesterday’s ecclesiastical events.