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WAGWAN? Parentdem say man needs to earn own cash to know its value. Wot is you talkin’ habout, fam? Active J knows value, coz cash ‘as numbers printed on da notes, innit.

A WOMAN has taken her commitment to live by traditional wifely values all the way by having an affair with a sexy stable boy.

The Olympic Games stem from the human desire to both watch sporting excellence and declare that you could surpass it, if not for a trick knee.

If you buy a Roomba, make sure you’re the one who takes it out of the box because it thinks the first person it sees is its mother.

WAKING with a feeling of wellbeing, elation and high self-esteem, I reflect on what led to this happy condition - oddly, a conversation with my private physician, who suggested I address my alcoholic intake.

ORLANDO Bloom, noted thespian, Mr Katy Perry and former elf, reveals the everyday proverbs which continue to leave him baffled.

The 1990s were the greatest decade in history. For example, I was born in 1996.

“I'm actually putting all of this weight on for a role in a Hollywood movie.”

WAKING with a hangover that leaves me seeing quadruple until I vomit copiously from a bay window, I reflect on the harrowing experience I had tried to blot out with alcohol.

DID you stay up for it? For the coronation? The moment the people of Clacton, Britain’s bellwether, elected our next prime minister?