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WILL Ryan Whittaker, who hopes to meet The One, and Lucy Parry who for f**k’s sake doesn’t want commitment right now, work it out?

“Ask for a takeaway cup then just sit in the Starbucks, will you? Not on my watch. Hello, is that the police?”

WAKING with a hangover that is causing my head to glow bright green, I decide the only way to settle the matter of whether Catholicism or Protestantism is the better form of Christianity is with a pissing contest. 

THE liberal media has scoffed at them. Fact-checkers deny they exist. Both lie. I, as I told Donald Trump personally, have seen one with my own eyes.

HOW daring and/or bored you are to launch into an open relationship, to the envy of all your friends except those who’ve tried it! So 21st century f**kboi!

A villager in Midsomer wearily rises from his chair, picks up his ladder and goes to change the ‘IT HAS BEEN 12 DAYS SINCE OUR LAST MURDER’ sign back to zero.

WAKING with a headache screaming like a guitar solo by the late Jimi Hendrix, I proudly reflect on my efforts to put on a concert in which Noel and Liam Gallagher join me to perform religious songs such as Kumbaya, My Lord. 

THIS might surprise you, but I’ve never had much time for the Germans. No sense of humour. Bloody awful electronic pop music. The food's not fit to give the dog. And I haven't even mentioned Hitler yet.

SHOPPING late? Judging others by the content of their baskets, while never imagining they’re doing exactly the same to you? This is what you both think.

ISAMBARD Kingdom Brunel is widely regarded as the father of modern engineering, and the owner of a sick name that goes unnecessarily hard.