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A MAN believes the phrase ‘period costume’ refers to the cosy lounge-wear worn by his girlfriend, it has emerged.

A GOURMET burger chain is expecting customers to be able to detach their jaw from the rest of their skull in order to eat their food, it has emerged.

THE final monarch of the Tudor dynasty, Queen Elizabeth I of England was known for her intelligence, diplomacy, and virginity. But the last was not entirely by choice.

Given the phrase ‘colder than a witch’s tit’ it’s odd witchfinders didn’t use that to identify their quarry. Perk of the job etcetera.

WAKING up in a puddle of very stale vomit, possibly mine, possibly Gloria Hunniford’s, I look back fondly on a several-month-long alcoholic ‘binge’.

WAGWAN? Active J been cold. Man woz sayin’ nuffink to no bruv, hespecially da XL dickhead, Drilla! An’ man’s gyal, Lady G.

SEX life not up to scratch? Wondering which one of you is to blame? Take our quiz and find out.

HEARD of EastEnders? It’s a television programme from the days before streaming, when TVs were huge because they contained analogue puppets acting out the show.

You got a time of 18.25 seconds in your iron man triathalon. The Iron Man armour helped.

WAKING up naked atop the tomb of Mother Teresa, clutching an empty bottle of overproof rum and boasting a raging erection, I realise I have a little explaining to do in order to preserve ecumenical harmony.