WAKING up with a hangover so intense that liquid traces of my brain have dribbled through my eardrums onto my pillowcase, I sit up, check my ‘emails’ and am surprised to find a message from Laura Kuenssberg.
It had been arranged that I should do a hard-hitting interview with Ms Kuenssberg next week. Curiously, the email contained a draft of hard-hitting questions she intended to put to me, as the BBC’s most hard-hitting interviewer. They were as follows:
My apologies, your grace, did I genuflect hard enough as I introduced you?
How do you manage to cope so successfully with the rigours of your job without resorting to gross profanity, alcohol or atheism?
Would you prefer to ignore the questions and simply boast about your achievements by blatantly rewriting recent history?
Once it emerges that she has accidentally conveyed this interview brief to me, the BBC decide that the interview can no longer go ahead. Which is a shame, as I was looking forward to availing myself of their refreshments in the green room.
With a sigh, I set aside my computer, take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that a horse who led the Queen’s funeral procession has been awarded the ‘animals OBE’.
Fuck ex-Archbishop Robert Runcie’s dead cat, are you shitting me? This is some Caligula shit! What, the horse is gonna step up to the fucking red carpet at Buckingham Palace and King Charles is gonna hang a fucking medal round its neck? Is it going to stamp its hoof twice to say ‘Thank you’? It’s a horse! It’d fuck a police car if it was feeling horny! Christ, the Royal Family and its relationship to animals – either treating them like David Attenborough or massacring them for sport. You’re fucking lucky you didn’t get both barrels, Paddington!
Thames Water remains in desperate trouble, with over £15 billion in debts which they insist make it necessary to raise bills by 40 per cent to continue to function.
Well, that’d help you out, wouldn’t it? Us having to pay through the nose to pay for your astounding, greedy incompetence. I mean, how do you justify your pisspoor performance? You’ve got no fucking competition! You’re a monopoly! On water! It’s not like we can switch to dandelion and fucking burdock! Try having a shower and shit with that! And yet you’ve managed to fuck it up, with about a trillion tonnes of raw sewage thrown in too! But Heaven forbid we should fucking nationalise it because that’s Corbynism which is Communism with extra antisemitism so let’s just keep drowning in fucking shit till the end of time!
A Conservative fringe meeting at their conference discussed how to persuade women to ‘breed for Britain’ in order to ‘grow more’ social care workers, one day after Kemi Badenoch’s comments about ‘excessive’ maternity pay.
Wow. You know, there is a comet, known as A3 but more correctly C/2023 A3 (Tsuchinshan-Atlas), which will appear in our skies later this month. It was last visible 80,000 years ago when Neanderthals roamed the earth and will not reappear for another 80,000. And you know what, it’ll reappear sooner than you mad Tory cunts ever get reelected in the UK! ‘Breed For Britain’? Yeah, something that sounds like a compulsory breeding programme in a sci-fi dystopia with allusions to Nazi Germany is going to be a real fucking vote winner!
Finally, it seems that Jonathan Gullis has complained that since losing his seat as an MP he is having difficulty finding work in his former profession of teaching, and believes being a Tory has been held against him.
Well, for once in your bigoted, thick, stupidly-bearded life you might have a fucking point! You’re supposed to be teaching, ie. imparting facts, wisdom and guidance. Not opening kids’ minds like toilet seats and taking a huge toxic dump in them! Let’s add some context, Jonathan – you made an embarrassing fucking public spectacle of yourself as a gurning, sadistic, far-right case of rancid cockrot! If this were the 1970s there’d be plenty of niches for weirdos, but things have changed and twats like you aren’t trusted to be lollipop men, let alone fucking teachers! If they made a film of your fucking teaching career it’d be called Goodbye, Mr Shit!
