WAKING with a hangover strong enough to function as a wifi signal, I take a sip of water and reflect on the week’s ecclesiastical events, in particular an unfortunate slip of the tongue during a speech.
I had been asked to give a speech at a conference with news media in attendance. The subject was the role of the modern church in Great Britain, normally some waffle about youth groups and interfaith initiatives. Growing bored, I found myself digressing.
‘My dearest brethren,’ I said. ‘I tell you most solemnly that so-called “Great Britain” is a fetid sewer of corruption, a fascist fucking toilet.
‘We are all in the shitter, being shat upon by the giant buttocks of a callous, self-serving elite. It is not even that our government’s promises have made them sausages to fortune; it is that they promised they’d be cunts and cunts they have turned out to be.’
I meant, of course, to say ‘hostages to fortune’ but the press and social media immediately seized on my ‘inadvertent’ use of the word ‘sausages’ to much merriment, forgetting about the rest of my speech, which, on reflection, I feel was for the best.
Controversy averted, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that Wes Streeting has described donations to Labour of designer clothes, glasses and use of an expensive apartment, mostly by Labour donor Lord Waheed Alli, as a ‘noble pursuit’.
Fuck my dead hamster on the end of a stick, ‘noble pursuit’? It’s as greasy as a nine bob note dipped in a fucking chip pan! And is this Alli bloke raining luxury goods on you easily bribable fucks out of the kindness of his heart? He must be, kindheartedness is how you become a fucking billionaire in the first place! How shit do you think this looks to a public who’ll be spending winter worrying about granny ringing to say she hates to be a bother but one her arms has snapped off like in fucking Snowpiercer?
Rachel Reeves was heckled during her conference speech by a young man demanding to know why the UK was selling arms to Israel. As he was bundled out by the neck, Reeves declared that the Labour party was no longer ‘a party of protest’.
Right, so now you’re in power you’re in the business of getting things done, are you? What a dismal load of fuck! The only thing you’re getting done is sucking up to billionaires, making life a misery for the very people Labour was set up to help in the fucking first place and, indeed, selling arms to fucking Israel! Protest that and you’ll literally get your neck wrung by one of your fucking security goons! Any pretence you’re here to improve things went out the window pretty fucking quick, didn’t it, you ghastly, charmless fucking austerity foghorn!
Erling Haaland of Manchester City was caught on camera following the 2-2 draw against Arsenal on Sunday telling the Arsenal manager Mikel Arteta that he should ‘stay humble’. He was also involved in a fractious exchange with Arsenal’s Gabriel Jesus, calling him a ‘clown’.
That’s a bit fucking rich coming from you, you fucking fugitive from a shit Game Of Thrones spin-off! You’re not a footballer, you’re a fucking freak of nature! You’re the one who belongs in a fucking circus! If I was a weird-looking fuck whose face is too small for his head, I’d shut my gob and be grateful freakshows are considered a bit too fucking unwoke these days!
Finally, it seems that exasperated fans have been held for several hours in an online queue when attempting to buy tickets for Coldplay.
Boring, was it? Never fucking mind, if anyone is accustomed to stultifying, mindbending, arseaching fucking tedium, it’s fucking Coldplay fans! You think a fucking Coldplay gig is gonna be any more exciting than staring at a computer screen for hours waiting for something to happen? Think again! Serves you cunts fucking well right for being so averse even to the slightest fucking pulsation of creativity and originality that you end up buying fucking Coldplay albums in droves and thereby inflicting them on the rest of us! Grey paint poured into a fucking human mouth forever!
