subscribe
/ Sign Out

Sixty people paid £3 billion in income tax and we're meant to be f**king grateful

JUST 60 individuals, each earning at least £50 million a year, paid £3 billion in income tax and expect the rest of us to f**king thank them. 

The taxpayers, who are currently threatening to leave our heavily-indebted country which is struggling to fund basic public services because of Labour policies, are making regular appeals to public sympathy. 

Venal billionaire bastard Tom Booker said: “I don’t want to leave Britain. It’s my home. But, despite having more money than I could reasonably spend in a lifetime, I have no choice. 

“Why don’t people look at the tax I pay – a small percentage of my gross income, let alone all my funds salted away around the world – and thank me? And also they could bow? 

“Instead we have the politics of envy, voted in after only 14 years of me and my kind being allowed whatever we want. A slap in the face. We give you three billion and that’s what we get. Shameful. 

“No wonder we’re all planning to move to boring-as-f**k tax havens where there’s nothing to do but gamble, snort coke on yachts and sleep with each other’s mistresses.” 

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “I don’t know why I’m such an ungrateful wretch. Maybe it’s because I’m poor.” 

Mash Blind Date: 'I'm four years older than him. That does not make me a cougar'

CAN 28-year-old Joe Turner and 32-year-old Joanna Kramer make it through a whole meal without this wild oversexed cougar banging him right there on the table? 

Joe on Joanna

First impression?

Not bad, nicely turned out, decent manners, cleavage glances reasonably discreet. I can overlook the incipient bald spot for that. 

How was conversation? 

Confusing. He kept referring to me as experienced and well-travelled, even though we hadn’t hooked up on Linkedin and he was initially unaware I’d done the Inca Trail. He also asked where I was on 9-11 and I explained I was in school, because I was nine. 

Memorable moments?

For me, it was the moment when he compared me to Jennifer Lopez who I don’t resemble, what with her being 23 years older than I am and Latina. That was the moment of realisation that I’d been inappropriately plugged into a sexual fantasy that for me, realistically, would be role-play. 

Favourite thing about Joe? 

He’s solvent, he’s polite to waiters, he’s got a nice smile. However that’s sort of outweighed by his viewing the world through a lens of online porn. 

A capsule description? 

One more man who, laptop balanced and dick in hand, has decided to go out and chase his wanks out in the real world. Whatever the practical obstacles like us being only four years apart in age. 

Was there a spark? 

Pathetically there actually was. Even after he said ‘I bet you could teach me a few tricks’. Does he think I’m going to pull a string of silk scarves out of my fanny? 

What happened afterwards? 

He assumed I’d have to get back home to look after the kids I don’t have. We parted chastely, despite the red-hot cauldron of passion he was convinced lay concealed beneath my respectable exterior. 

What would you change about the evening? 

I would date a man whose penis was capable of simple sums. I was born in 1992. You were born in 1996. Do the f**king maths. 

Will you see each other again?  

I mean I’m not proud of myself but yeah probably. Better a fake cougar than all the older divorced men who keep swiping me. As a concession I’ll learn one trick. 

Joe on Joanna

First impression?

Gorgeous. Exotic, alluring and with a depth of worldly knowledge women my own age can’t come near. I was hard just offering her bread rolls. 

How was conversation? 

Like the opening of another world. She’s been everywhere and done everything. But as well as keeping herself looking remarkably youthful she’s actually up to date on modern culture. For example she’d heard of Ed Sheeran. 

Memorable moments?

When she took my hand and said ‘then I’ll have to show you’ and I almost went off in my pants. She was talking about making a chicken pot pie but that’s irrelevant. 

Favourite thing about Joanna? 

The wealth of erotic experience she holds as a woman reaching her sexual peak. She’s going to make this boy into a man. 

A capsule description? 

Cougar. 

Was there a spark? 

Oh, absolutely. I even liked her. 

What happened afterwards? 

She managed to restrain her voracious sexual appetite, which impressed me, and we parted with no more than a kiss. But what a kiss. Smouldering and full of promise. 

What would you change about the evening? 

It irritated me she kept talking about the age gap between us being ‘insignificant’. Maybe to her, with her string of younger lovers, but certainly not to me. 

Will you see each other again?  

Without a doubt. We have to consummate this forbidden passion. And there’s no need for contraception because she’s post-menopause. 

Next story ›