WAKING up with a hangover that has quite turned my blood green, especially that dribbling from my anus, I reflect on my weekly sermon, an impassioned address inspired by my frustrations with the online game Wordle, whose solution of ‘mommy’ on Wednesday I failed to get.
Standing at the pulpit, I commenced by hurling my iPhone onto the stone slabs of the Abbey, smashing it to smithereens.
‘Mommy?’ I cried, from the depths of rage. ‘Mommy? What kind of root beer-drinking, Oreo-munching, gum-chewing, fannypack-wearing American fucking bollocks is this?
‘I make no secret of how my day starts – worship, Wordle, a wank. The three Ws. But thanks to you colonial fuckers with your slack-jawed perversion of the mother tongue I fucking strike out and it puts me off my fucking wank! Which leaves me backed up and pissed off!’
The clip of my sermon goes viral and a grovelling apology from President Biden swiftly follows.
Satisfaction attained, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that the Conservatives have inadvertently eliminated James Cleverly from the party leadership race.
Hahahahaha. It was your jaw-dropping fucking incompetence that got you here in the first place, you desperately irrelevant fucks! Now you’re left with a choice between that pillar of pure cunt Robert Jenrick and the pop-eyed specimen of insanity on the end of a fucking shitstick Kemi Badenoch! Politics in this country hasn’t been this shit since the fucking 8th century! At least life expectancy was 25 so you’d only have to put up with a Blair and a couple of fast-turnover twats like Truss and Sunak and you’d be mercifully fucking dead!
David Gilmour, sometime guitarist of Pink Floyd, has released a solo album, Luck And Strange, the promotion of which has involved several interviews, including the ‘Rockonteurs’ podcast.
Nail my bollocks to a copy of The Wall, is Gilmour the most boring man alive or fucking what? I wasn’t sure whether I’d prefer to watch paint dry or fucking drink it! I know Roger Waters is a bit of a wacko but rather him than a turgid, tedious, taciturn twat like Gilmour! Listening him to talk about how he doesn’t fucking analyse his music, he just gets on and does it… Jesus, it’s like seeing a giant sloth push out a long, slow, grey turd and then watch it steam for half a fucking hour! A bit like Gilmour’s fucking guitar solos as it happens!
It seems that a British version of the American sitcom Cheers is in the pipeline.
So, a revival of a 30-years-defunct and conspicuously unreconstructed American sitcom featuring a fucking psychiatrist and a postman sharing a beer ten minutes before fucking midday. How the fuck is that going to fly? Are the people running TV so fucking allergic to originality all they can do is shit out obviously fucking dud ideas like this? ‘What’s the most obvious thing we can remake? Terry and June!’ ‘Fucking genius, Tris. You’ve really earned your cocaine break!’
Finally, it seems Morgan McSweeney has assumed the role of Labour’s chief of staff following the resignation of Sue Gray, who said she felt her participation in government ‘risked becoming a distraction’.
Morgan McSweeney. Morgan fucking McSweeney. Morgan cunting twatting bloodpissing cockmongering McSweeney. Yeah we’re sure former senior civil servant Sue Gray stepped down just like that for McSweeney, the repellent, scheming, unelected fucking snake who spent every day plotting ways to stop Labour doing anything dangerously radical like being the fucking Labour Party! Freezing pensioners, bombed hospitals, it’s all fucking fine so long as the centrists are sticking it to the Left, and Britain’s arsehole liberals go along with it. Hope you liked Peter Mandelson, libs, because you’re getting a second fucking helping of that cunt!
