DEEP down, are you a monogamous ‘missionary will do’ kind of person, but want the world to think you’re sexually exciting? Here’s how to give the impression you’re less vanilla than you are.
Drop vague references
Constantly hint at sexual encounters without any hard facts, eg. ‘Whoa, that time I was in Amsterdam…’ Let the listener fill in the hot sex, when actually you went to the Anne Frank museum. Keep mentioning these vague events and you’ll be on your way to creating your myth. Don’t worry about effectively lying – it’s not much more of a distortion of the truth than the average male conversation about number of conquests, attractiveness of exes, etc.
Fake discomfort
You can fake it in the bedroom, so why not at work? Make your colleagues wonder what you got up to last night by coming into the office with a waddle, perhaps even a limp. If anyone mentions it, breezily deny anything happened, but with a massive ‘saucy’ wink. Don’t overdo the funny walk though, or they’ll just assume you’re constipated. Ongoing bowel problems aren’t the sexiest rumour to have swirling around you.
Spread risqué objects around your flat
‘Accidentally’ leave a few kinky objects around when you’ve got mates over. A crotchless thong hanging over the telly or a double-ended dildo poking out of a kitchen drawer is f**king weird, but they’re no use in their box on top of your wardrobe. If people aren’t getting the hint, lay it on even thicker – perhaps wear handcuffs throughout the whole evening, or use a couple of riding crops to serve the salad. Hopefully people will get the hint that you are sexually insatiable and not just ask if they’re dishwasher safe.
Choose friends you can be a sexual parasite to
Buddying up with a genuine sexpot and nodding along with their wild stories will give the impression you are one of them. People love vicarious sexual thrills, and your unadventurous friends will be so blown away by Hot Claire’s story about the hoover they’ll forget it wasn’t you who said it. Especially if you tell them it was you who said it.
Cryptic social media posts
If you want to cast your net wider, popping a vague “#wildnight’ on social media is ideal. Perhaps followed by an aubergine emoji to make it bang-on-the-nose for your stupider friends. If anyone demands details, reply with something annoyingly coy like ‘Let’s just say I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night…’ Omit to mention this was because you were up late crying in front of The Bear while stuffing your face with malt loaf.
