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The six high-profile sexual dalliances I will enjoy as England manager, by Thomas Tuchel

YOU have appointed an unmarried foreigner to manage England and, in accordance with tradition in this role, I shall put it about. Here’s the six I favour: 

Hannah Waddingham

No problem with this one, sure? She’s single, I am seeing only a Brazilian, the age gap is a mere year, she’s much beloved and I’ll be sailing the team through qualifying. I will be commended for my very literal embrace of English culture even in the Guardian. Speculation will be rife about my proposal of marriage. I am not going to do that.

Jade Thirlwall

Because behind Hannah’s back I am seeing the girl from Little Mix! This is the kind of thing you like over here, with the sex farces? In one door and out the other in underwear while Jordan Stephens of the Rizzle Kicks is oblivious? But it appears your tabloids, while printing every detail of how we made love, believe I should focus on football. Duly noted.

Frankie Bridge

What could be more football that Mrs Bridge, who is married to a footballer? I am truly playing within my specialism with this extra-marital affair, while continuing the girlband theme and narrowing the age gap. However the fans on their forums are as unhappy with this as with not qualifying from the group stage. Stick to football? Heard and understood.

Sabrina Wiegman

Okay wow, still with the front-page fuss? A pair of England football professionals take their tactics talk to the next level and this is the reaction? Let me remind you she is the more successful manager at national level so the outrage should be that she is having the affair with me and any reaction other is sexist. This country. Never is happy.

Penny Mordaunt

This is how I renew my commitment to your proud nation: by boning Britannia herself, or as close as I can get. Or do I mean Boudicca? That it derails her leadership bid is no more than an unfortunate consequence and that we lose every group game in the Euros is only coincidence. Yes I did discuss her seduction in a half-time team talk. It was motivational.

Whichever dancer I’m paired with on Strictly

I have successful persuaded the FA that I need to reconnect with the public on an early-evening entertainment show and it fits around my England duties which are what, a couple of matches every two months. Then I plunge into an affair with my dance partner. It is fine, all sexual acts are committed within full view of a chaperone. Fourth out and sacked by Christmas.

This week in Mash History: Jane Austen invents the genre of rich people shagging, 1813

FROM Bridgerton to Gossip Girl to Prince Harry’s autobiography, nothing gets the popular imagination going better than high net-worth coitus. 

But did you know that this silver spoon steaminess only became commonplace in the 19th century, when Regency-era Britain realised rough sex between rude mechanicals was no longer selling? And turned to a certain young writer named Jane Austen.

While there are no sex scenes in Austen’s novels, because she was a woman, scholars have argued strongly that her works are ruled by sexual tension within the upper classes. It is also clear Mr Knightley was laying pipe behind the scenes.

The author’s recently uncovered unpublished foreword to Pride and Prejudice reads: “It is a truth universally acknowledged that whether frenzied rutting be implicit or explicit, it must be done in a big fancy room for maximum effect.

“The literary canon is dominated by good hard seeings-to, from Adam and Eve to Robinson Crusoe and Man Friday. Yet we are missing a trick: these shaggers are not wealthy in a way that the reader should be unable to identify with in the smallest degree.

“In fact, such is the power of the upper classes at it, the author should feel free to spend much of the narrative focused on not the characters’ relationships but minutiae like the acreage of their estates. The reader will understand this is a metaphor for penile girth.

“My critics must remember, however, that this is a genre of fantasy. In the real world, who could ever imagine these socially inept, hideously overbred near-cousins being anything other than dry and functional betwixt the sheets?

“I hope readers of the future acknowledge my works for that which they truly are: a chance to watch an actress be ripped out of a bodice so tight her mammoth honkers are propelled up to her chin. It wouldn’t be the same in rags.”

And so Jane Austen affirmed her legacy for hundreds of hours of luxuriant, steamy sexual scenes that the nation is forced to watch while seated next to their mums.

Next week: to 859, when Viking raiders invaded Britain to ruthlessly impose their concept of hygge. 

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