Lifestyle

A minimalist tree, and other middle class ways to suck the joy from Christmas

WANT to have a 'sophisticated' and therefore utterly joyless middle-class Christmas? Try these tips.

'What the f**k am I meant to do with 10 lords a-leaping?' Your 12 Days of Christmas problems solved

YOUR true love has gone a bit over the top this Christmas with a parade of frankly f**ked-up gifts. What to do with them?

How to tell what kind of posh twat you're dealing with by the colour of his trousers

ALL posh twats wear brightly-coloured trousers. But the colour of the posh twat trousers your posh twat is wearing show you just what type of posh twat he is.

Man would love to have even a trace level of toxic masculinity

A MAN lacking all toxic, stereotypically male attributes would not mind having just a hint of them, he has admitted.

The wheelie bin, and other locations the Elf on the Shelf keeps turning up in

THROUGHOUT December parents are tasked with moving a sodding elf doll to new locations. Here are five places it always strangely ends up.

Are this couple just befriending you to invite you for a threesome?

YOU'VE befriended a couple who seem slightly too nice. Here’s how to tell if they’re planning to invite you for a threesome.

Becci, and other stupid ways people spell their names to sound more interesting

SPELLING their name in a bizarre way may mask the fact that someone is not that interesting, or it may not. Do you know one of these people?

Why the demise of French exchange trips is a good thing, by a Brexiter

POST-BREXIT rules could spell the end of French exchange trips for British schoolchildren. Leave voter Wayne Hayes explains why keeping your kids away from the French is for the best.

Man deliberately having bad day so he can get pissed and have a takeaway tonight

A MAN is intentionally ruining his day in order to treat himself to takeaway food and booze this evening.

The 90s and other things that aren't as good as you remember

EVERYTHING seems great in retrospect because your memory is flawed. These fond recollections were pretty shit in reality.