AGE restrictions for online porn are coming in, so we must look to the wisdom of the elders. Top-shelf buyer Martin Bishop explains his ancient art:
Act natural
Porn is only as awkward as you make it. By pretending nothing could be more normal than confirming your age to watch a milf destroy her stepson’s cock (uncensored), the ordeal will be over before you know it. Only the shame will hang around for decades.
Check the coast is clear
Back in the day you’d linger around the magazine rack until everyone buggered off before grabbing a copy of Big Ones. But the internet is everywhere, so you need to be more vigilant. Check you’re not logged into Facebook or Instagram so no algorithms know about your depravity.
Bundle it with other purchases
Camouflage your porn by purchasing other items at the same time. If you order a bottle of wine from the Tesco website first, maybe the internet will remember you’re old enough when you head over to Pornhub so you can sidestep the humiliation of getting ID’d for nudey films altogether.
Don’t make eye contact
I still remember the judgement on the newsagent’s face as I handed her my ID and a stack of bliff mags with Raw Bubble Butts on top. I see it when I close my eyes at night. Avoid a similar fate by covering your laptop’s webcam with tape, like Mark Zuckerberg does for the same reason.
Use fake ID
In this age of data hacks you’d be a fool to hand over your real name to watch fake-tanned women listlessly shag each other. Ask local teenage dealers for a fake ID, set up an offshore bank account, and use that as proof of age. You might be breaking international banking law but it’s that or your mum finding out.
