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Man on first foreign holiday in three years falls effortlessly back into being obnoxious twat

A MAN who has not been on a foreign holiday for three years has seamlessly reprised his role as a massive prick of a tourist.

Jack Browne was worried he would be out of practice at being an annoying British wanker but realised his skills were still in place after ordering an Estrella at 10.30am on his first day and calling the barman ‘Pedro’.

Browne said: “It’s great to be back. It’s 26 degrees here in Tenerife and I’m already being lairy and pissed on a sun lounger. I’ll fall asleep soon and wake up sunburnt and hungover, before getting back on it later and having a fight in an Irish pub. Perfect.

“I was worried that me and the lads might have changed over the years of the pandemic and feel drawn to go to a museum or look at a volcano or something. But no, we’re still standing on tables and yelling football chants. Business as usual.

“The locals are loving it. What would they do without British tourists? It would just be boring Europeans who like having a civilised glass of wine with a meal. Everyone knows it’s not a proper holiday until someone is sick off a balcony at 2am.”

Local hotelier Ms Lucia Ramírez said: “Wasn’t their idiotic Brexit supposed to trap twats like this in the UK forever?”

Seven films that aren't anywhere near as good as you'd expect given they star a monkey

A PRIMATE starring in a Hollywood film sounds like box office gold that makes all other cinema redundant. But surprisingly, often that’s not the case: 

Every Which Way But Loose, 1978

The best of the ape movies because it has a driver’s mate orangutan called Clyde that punches people. Also Clint Eastwood was unable to choose between the 70s careers of trucker and bare-knuckle fighter. But it doesn’t feature Clyde as much as it should, ie. in every scene, nor does he get any dialogue.

King Kong, 1933

The gorilla is big – like, really big – but he’s barely in it. Also he wasn’t a real gorilla. Idiots think it’s a cinematic classic. Don’t waste your time.

Bedtime for Bonzo, 1951

Ronald Reagan tries to teach a suicidal criminal chimpanzee that it can live a good, moral life, which as a premise is electrifying. But it’s just a basic screwball comedy where, as ever, the ape is underused. Though as it’s a 50s film he probably smokes in it.

Dunston Checks In, 1996

Another jewel thief ape, the titular Dunston, who runs riot in a five-star hotel pushing people into cakes and giving massages. Has issues, but could have been a franchise to rival Mission Impossible. Bombed because people are stupid.

Gorillas In The Mist, 1988

When you hear a title like that the imagination runs wild. Mist clears to reveal gorillas breakdancing, doing BMX tricks, playing in crazy bands and flying autogyros. What you actually get is a serious drama about poaching. Avoid.

Planet of the Apes, 1968

Pleasingly high ape-to-screen ratio, entirely ruined by the apes first being men in suits and then turning out to be the baddies. Completely implausible.

Tarzan’s New York Adventure, 1942

The Tarzan bits are boring but there’s an incredible scene with Cheeta the chimp in a New York hotel room answering phones and breaking stuff. Sadly the Hays Code forbade a scene where he shat in his hands and flung it across the lobby, spattering Margaret Dumont, and the footage has since been lost.

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