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Strong cup of tea is middle-aged woman's can of Monster

A MIDDLE-AGED woman who wants to feel energised to the point of anxiety can do so by drinking a strong cup of tea after midday, she has confirmed.

Four children horribly disfigured in authentic Wonka experience

Six places that magically become public toilets if you need a piss badly enough

STAGGERING home from the pub with five pints in your bladder and no public loo in sight? Try these handy alternatives.

Woman packs brand new unworn high-heeled boots for city break

A WOMAN visiting Paris has sensibly brought a new pair of high-heeled leather boots that are yet to be broken in as her only footwear option.

Self-proclaimed 'fag hag' has one gay friend

A STRAIGHT woman who likes to call herself a ‘fag hag’ only actually has one gay male friend, it has emerged.

Fearless man risks wank while waiting in for parcel

A COURAGEOUS hero took the plunge and started tugging away while waiting in for his Amazon delivery, it has emerged.

Woman only dresses up for herself and the Aztec god Huitzilopochtli

A WOMAN only puts effort into her appearance for herself and the chief deity of the Aztecs Huitzilopochtli, she has confirmed.

A signet ring on his pinky finger, and other small but certain signs a man is a twat

MET a bloke for the first time and aren’t sure if he's going to turn out to be a dickhead? Look for these visual signifiers.

Dogs dressed up like f**king clowns

Sandbanks, and other locations exclusively populated by rich wankers

THERE are neighbourhoods where only wealthy knobheads can afford to live, but oddly you’re meant to care about them. Residents of these areas can piss off.