PEOPLE wax lyrical about the wisdom they’d impart to their younger selves, but to be honest you just needed some easy-to-follow tips for being less of a bellend. Like these.
Remember you are off your head on hormones
Hormones distort your perception of everything. It’s possible that Keeley Jones in your form group is not the most beautiful female since Helen of Troy, and your incredibly deep and spiritual love for her is mainly the result of tits and living in the same catchment area.
Micromanaging your hair is pointless
A large chunk of teenage life is spent fretting about your hair and attempting to dye, highlight or style it in a way that will somehow unlock the secrets of popularity and sex. Hair does not have these magical properties, so assuming you don’t have a bowl cut aged 15, accept that your hair looks as good as it ever will and stop wasting your f**king time.
Learn to roll a joint
Teenage you may as well pick this low-hanging fruit. It’s not that hard to build an acceptable joint, which will earn you kudos now, throughout uni and at the odd adult dinner party, so it’s well worth persevering with the soggy Rizlas.
Learn evolutionary psychology
Wondering why you’re desperate to fit in with your peers? You’ve evolved with a strong urge to be part of a human tribe, rather than a snack for a sabre-toothed tiger. And that’s why you hate it when Liam Pickford calls you a ‘batty boy’ and everyone laughs – it’s just an irrational fear of being eaten. He’s still going to punch you in the back of the head when you’re not expecting it, though.
Ruthlessly cut your losses with people you fancy
Adults know people usually decide whether they will sleep with you within seconds of meeting, and no amount of time spent creepily hanging around in the Friend Zone is going to change that. If you’re not getting anywhere, give up immediately. This sounds cynical, but it’ll avoid a lot of hassle and is distinctly less stalkerish – always a good thing in a romantic situation.
Go and do some f**king coursework
Do some NOW. It’s an easy way to be ahead in the written exam and it’s incredibly miserable doing it at 2am the night before your third but final deadline you had to beg Mrs Fincher for.
Music isn’t very important
Basically, very few people are going to have sex with you because you own a couple of Sonic Youth albums. As an adult, you know this from tedious experience. Also, don’t be fooled into thinking musicians have anything important to say. The NME still thinks Jarvis Cocker is a godlike genius and he’s yet to do anything genuinely impressive like building a fusion reactor.
Clothes can only do so much
The right clothes and trainers can only do so much to improve the raw materials, ie. your gangly, spotty self. So don’t obsess about what you wear. Obviously it suits Adidas, Levi’s, Shein, etc. for you to keep giving them your money but don’t play their game. Your self-respect will be sky-high and you’ll have cash spare to drink cheap cider on the children’s swings.
