Food

A MAN is concerned that a takeaway can cook and deliver his order in the same amount of time it would take him to make a piece of toast.

A MAN in his 50s has been devastated after discovering the cake he admitted tasted great contained no animal products.

THESE colossi of chocolate used to walk among us, available for ready consumption. But the bastards took them away.

A WOMAN is always standing directly in front of whatever kitchen drawer her partner needs to open.

DOES your neighbourhood have a hipster food market or a crappy old-school one? Find out with our quiz.

YOU’RE at an event and there’s a buffet. How can you beat everyone else to hog the best stuff? Use these tactics.

JACOB Rees-Mogg has informed his wife and six children that shortages mean their Christmas feast will be a mere 12-bird roast instead of the usual 17.

A WOMAN who eats complete shit all the time is baffled as to why her skin is in such a state.

FEEL like treating yourself this lunchtime? Reckon you’ll give that new place a go? Don’t waste your time because no gourmet meal can beat a sausage roll.

HOW better to rehabilitate vile disgusting stuff than giving it a lovely wholesome name? Here’s five examples that should be put to sleep.