Food

GOOD evening, welcome to this fine inner-city hostelry the tourists do not frequent. Can I tempt you to a large bar of Dairy Milk?

SHORTLY after texting to express her concern that you were single on Valentine’s Day, your mother is now distressed that you are single on Shrove Tuesday.

SEASONED and fried slices of potato are humanity’s greatest culinary triumph and can be enjoyed at any time. Ignore the naysayers and crack in.

THE Supreme Court has ruled that oat milk is not milk and in fact the ejaculate of the Horned One and should be labelled accordingly.

HOT honey – honey, but with chilli in – is the flavour of the moment. So would you therefore be justified in stripping naked and basting your genitalia in it? We find out.

ABSTAINING from animal products is on nobody’s to-do list this January because the ethical living fad is dead.

SNOW is falling. Roads are covered in black ice. Lanes are blocked by trucks that could progress no further. Should you still go for McDonald’s drive-thru?

A VEGAN visiting her family for Christmas has been asked if this is the year medical science has finally come up with a cure for her unfortunate condition.

THIS year’s must-have toy for children whose parents are sick of their whining is an unremarkable King Edward potato.

A PLATE of cannabis-infused chocolate brownies have, in defiance of all narrative convention, been eaten by people who knew they had weed in and were fine with it.