Food

UNFORTUNATELY late-night food outlets can sometimes offer a fight with your doner. Here we rank the best and worst eateries for avoiding aggro, or, if you’re differently inclined, kicking off.

A MAN who caught himself singing ‘Domino-hoo-hoo’ while considering ordering a pizza is wondering if he can bear to exist in this hellish world.

SHOPPERS are fighting outside supermarkets for the chance to buy Dubai chocolate, the twats. Were these items ever worth queuing for or mere compensation for empty lives?

EXTRA-terrestrials are consolidating their appeal to viewers of lowest common denominator television with an unexplained phenomenon shaped like a cheap crisp.

THE pub chain’s decision to scrap Steak Club means the country has no future other than decline and depopulation.

RESTAURANTS have confirmed they refuse booking for lone diners not because they take up a table for two with a meal for one but because they ruin the mood.

A COUPLE are grimly going through the motions of making a disappointing stir-fry solely because they bought all the ingredients to make it.

A MAN who cannot summon the basic effort to mix and fry batter has ordered six pancakes via Deliveroo, it has emerged.

AT any dinner party, one’s thoughts turn to that awkward gap after the main course. And yet pudding, like a five-way sex romp, is impossible to enjoy alone.

THE ‘cheeky Nando’s’ is close to overtaking Britain’s other top cheeky pastimes, the cheeky fag and cheeky pint. But is your trip officially cheeky or are you living a lie?