Food

STAGGERING to the kebab shop after a night's heavy drinking, pausing only to urinate in an alleyway? Remember to mind your manners and follow these protocols.

THE Caramac has gone. And now all there is left to do is wait for the rest of Western civilisation to inevitably follow.

EATING your usual guilty cheeseburger, you notice the items on the menu of your favourite fast-food franchise that nobody living has ever ordered. For why would they?

BRITISH food has always had a bad reputation, but at least it wasn't this social media-fuelled bollocks you could easily live without.

A FIRST YEAR student is discovering that the freedom he always longed for tastes like eating the same meal every f**king day.

A CAFÉ has pledged to stop faffing around with coffee and instead offer everyone a bump of speed cut with a powerful laxative.

HUNGRY? Make sure you've got a medicine cupboard full of Gaviscon before diving into one of these reflux-inducing treats.

NOT a single person in a restaurant who is sharing plates wants to be doing so, it has been confirmed.

SCIENTISTS have found compelling evidence that anyone making pizza at home is deranged and needs urgent psychiatric help.

A MAN asked by his girlfriend if he was hungry has failed to give the right answer, leaving her unable to get a snack without looking like a greedy bitch.