JESUS has confirmed that his last temptation was to escape sacrifice, live as an ordinary man and raise a family, but the temptation previous to that was banoffee pie.
The revelation follows the unearthing of a fifth Gospel in caves near the Dead Sea, which detail the Messiah’s struggle over whether to have dessert following the Last Supper.
Religious scholar Denys Finch Hatton said: “The scroll, which is an unfinished gospel purporting to be written by the apostle Simon, records that the group agreed to go out for a meal and, in the interests of fairness, to split the bill.
“Matthew and Mark wanted to go to a tapas bar but were outvoted by the rest, who said a tapas bar was just a fancy version of a picky tea. And great was their resentment.
“Judas betrayed Jesus twice that night as everyone agreed they’d just have a starter and a main course, but when the waitress came round with the dessert menu, Judas ordered the profiteroles despite their costing 12 shekels.
“Jesus was sorely tempted by the banoffee pie, but in the end just had a coffee. According to subsequent portraits of the crucifixion he was buff, so likely thinking of his figure.
“There followed a row about who had eaten what, whether drinks were included and Simon spoke much of the unfairness as he was gluten intolerant so had barely eaten anything. And lo, the wailing continued unto the very taxi.”
