Celebrity

THE Duchess of Cambridge is to fufil all her public engagements while throwing up.

AMERICANS have begged England to stop sending them smug, fat-faced English television presenters.

BRITAIN has told Prince George to make way for a fresh face who can revitalise the monarchy.

BILL Gates is to buy men’s magazine GQ, sack everyone, evacuate the building and set fire to it.

BRIAN Cox has recruited members of his old band as astronauts for an asteroid-smashing suicide mission.

MEN have convinced themselves that looking at naked celebrity pictures is a legitimate part of keeping up with current affairs.

ANGELINA Jolie and Brad Pitt have confirmed that their sex life is over and done by announcing their marriage.

HELLO Kitty is a vengeful cat-human hybrid that feeds on livers, it has been confirmed.

THOUSANDS of physically attractive people don’t have anywhere to live, according to pop stars.

THE father of Coldplay’s Chris Martin keeps asking when he’s going to bring his new girlfriend home.