Celebrity

JORDAN is sad now because she got married to a man but he is a bad man.

THE wedding of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, to be held in Italy tomorrow, will be themed after the cruelties of Rome’s most depraved Emperor.

THE Queen has formally announced that she will spend her retirement living in stables as a horse.

PRINCE Harry has split from girlfriend Cressida Bonas after she accidentally entered the special room at Kensington Palace.

NON-CATHOLICS have called for an investigation after they were once again passed over for sainthood.

TELEVISION naturalist Chris Packham has escaped Maltese police custody with the help of birds.

PRINCE William has lapsed into behaving like a 16th century tyrant during his tour of Australia.

PRINCE William only asked a New Zealand woman to make another baby shawl because the first one was so shit.

PRINCE George has has his first taste of the lifetime of tribal dances and military parades stretching out before him.

NIGELLA Lawson has asked the US how come she gets barred but Keith Richards wanders in and out like he owns the place.