Celebrity

DAVID Beckham has attacked an "unimaginative" Cheshire hairdresser in his latest autobiography.

RICHARD Dawkins is in hiding after discovering a Catholic plot to stockpile honey.

FORMER News of the World editors Rebecca Brooks and Andy Coulson would only discuss their intercourse after paying each other five-figure sums, it has been claimed.

DECEASED musician Lou Reed has moved into the area of Heaven where there is heroin and transsexual hookers.

A COMPLETE list of your future master's newly-appointed guardians.

THE heir to the throne thinks Christianity is a load of nonsense, it has emerged.

THE winner of The Great British Bake Off will leave humanity to work in Mr Kipling's underground cake catacombs.

THE memoir of pop singer Morrissey has revealed his voracious appetite for lager and fighting.

THE Yeti has appeared on The Jeremy Kyle Show to settle questions of its parentage.

EDWARD and Sophie are not attending Prince George's christening because they stole canapés at his parents' wedding.