Celebrity

EUROVISION winner Conchita has advised Nigel Farage to make the most of his fleeting moment of glory.

THE Chancellor of the Exchequer's cat has been charged with soliciting after being found in a red light district.

JORDAN is sad now because she got married to a man but he is a bad man.

THE wedding of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, to be held in Italy tomorrow, will be themed after the cruelties of Rome’s most depraved Emperor.

THE Queen has formally announced that she will spend her retirement living in stables as a horse.

PRINCE Harry has split from girlfriend Cressida Bonas after she accidentally entered the special room at Kensington Palace.

NON-CATHOLICS have called for an investigation after they were once again passed over for sainthood.

TELEVISION naturalist Chris Packham has escaped Maltese police custody with the help of birds.

PRINCE William has lapsed into behaving like a 16th century tyrant during his tour of Australia.

PRINCE William only asked a New Zealand woman to make another baby shawl because the first one was so shit.