Celebrity

I’M sorry. You deserved better than the contusions and swelling I inflicted upon you. You did not deserve that inflammation. I did not want to be that man.

YESTERDAY’S Academy Awards have forced us all to confront the ever-present risk that Will Smith could, from nowhere, slap you across the face. Here’s how to dodge it.

AFTER getting in one little fight, Will Smith’s mum got scared and moved him to his auntie and uncle in Bel-Air, it has been confirmed.

BACK then they were iconoclastic counter-culture heroes. Now they’re decrepit and embarrassing. These five are sad testaments to your vanished youth.

THE Horned One here. That documentary about Jeremy Kyle confirmed he’s one of mine, and we’ve a very special show lined up for him. Here’s the running order.

ALRIGHT? Rod here, raspy-voiced 70s singing sensation most recently seen shovelling gravel into potholes. And I’ll also do all this municipal shit.

THE Queen has officially announced that she cannot be arsed doing all that bollocks any more.

WRITER and chef Jack Monroe is despised by Britain’s many reactionary bastards. Here’s why she and other celebrities are on their confusing hate lists.

LOSING your hair? Thinking you might be able to make it work like these five gorgeous guys who make male-pattern baldness hot?

ALL women are incredible in their own way and there’s space for every one of them to succeed. But which one’s best according to 55-year-old joiner Roy Hobbs?