Why not spend Christmas with Britain's most hated celebrities?

22nd December 2022

EVER wanted to know what Britain’s most loathsome celebrity tossers do for Christmas? Here the egotistical f**kers reveal how they’ll be celebrating in their unjustly luxurious homes.

Julia Hartley-Brewer, shit-for-brains pundit

During Die Hard I shall be explaining why climate change is a hoax, using such unimpeachable logic as: ‘If global warming is real, why didn’t the turkey cook itself?’ and ‘Are we expected to believe a scientist has never been wrong about anything? Arrogant four-eyed boffin shits.’

Jeremy Clarkson, car twat

I’m hoping for snow so I can build a ‘snow Meghan’. Then I’m going to smash it with a hammer. Smash, smash, smash! Until the bitch is dead, dead, dead! (Obviously I don’t literally want to smash her skull in with a hammer, I’m just being ‘edgy’ like a dickhead teenager, which is f**king pathetic for a 62-year-old man.)

Dan Wootton, arsehole GB News presenter

I’ll be having a woke-free Christmas in my creepy loner’s basement. Instead of a fairy on top of the tree, I’ve got Bernard Manning. How d’you like them apples, Black Lives Matter? For Christmas dinner I’ve managed to procure an endangered snow leopard from the dark web. It tastes unbelievably disgusting but stick that up your arse, Extinction Rebellion.

Prince Andrew, sex-trafficker’s friend

I’ll be having a whole roast goose to myself. If it’s not perfectly moist with crispy skin I shall beat the servant senseless with the flat of a sword once belonging to King John. I’m not invited to Together At Christmas, the royal carol service hosted by that ghastly commoner Kate, and all because I didn’t have sex with a woman I had to pay millions to shut up because obviously a court can’t rule that someone is lying.

Richard Madeley, reactionary GMB presenter

I’m the voice of the ordinary little person, standing up on their behalf to union Nazis. This Christmas I’ll be continuing my tradition of telling jokes, such as ‘How many Mick Lynches does it take to change a lightbulb? None – they’re all on strike!’ and Judy will undoubtedly make her usual quip ‘Shut up Richard, you’re embarrassing everyone’. Don’t worry Judy – plenty more where that came from!

Sarah Vine, Daily Mail hater of everything

I hate Christmas. I hate the vacuous celebrity culture of crispy roast potatoes, just lying there expecting to be admired while some of us just get on with our jobs, thank you very much. And you won’t find my family going to the panto. Our children get enough transgender indoctrination from Marxist teachers without a pretty young woman being forced to dress as a man in Dick Whittington. It’s only a matter of time before we’re teaching them it’s ‘right on’ to have sex with cats.

Who's more popular, nurses and ambulance drivers or your Tory government mates? By Steve Barclay

22nd December 2022

YESTERDAY I accused striking NHS staff of consciously choosing to inflict harm on patients. I’m here to tell you why it was definitely a foolproof way of getting people to vote Tory again.

Because who does the public like more? Hardworking nurses who save their lives and offer comfort and care in frightening times, or a bunch of corrupt, freeloading bastards who have gleefully shafted the NHS?

That’s right, they like us better. We’re the goodies. Just ask ex-editor of The Sun Kelvin Mackenzie who called ambulance drivers ‘vile shitbags’ for wanting a fair wage and safe working conditions. Does The Sun have a history of attacking innocent people and generally being a stain on the UK? I don’t think so.

Britons agree that refusing to negotiate makes us tough like Phil Mitchell, rather than petty dickheads who could have stopped the strike before it got to this point. And they certainly don’t think the reason the NHS is on its knees is 12 years of Conservative mismanagement.

No, they wish they could take back all that clapping they did during Covid and tell health workers to pull their fingers out and stop being snowflakes. So what if they’ve had a real terms pay cut? So has everyone else. Well, except politicians. But we’re more important than you.

As health secretary, I know everything there is to know about health, just like I knew everything about treasure when I was treasury secretary a couple of years ago. I definitely know more than a nurse with a degree and years of experience.

And the bottom line is that people who do life-saving work don’t need more money, they just need to be grateful they’ve got a job in the first place. Voters will thank me for my hardline attitude at the ballot box, won’t you? You’d better, or I’ll find a way to privatise the f**k out of you too.