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'Why do you make a mockery of me?' asks dog given pyjamas

A DOG has expressed dismay at being made to wear human clothes on the grounds of it being ‘cute’. 

Spaniel cross Rufus was already fed up with being stuffed into a scratchy pumpkin costume each Halloween, when his owner Lauren Hewitt brought out red and white, Christmassy pyjamas similar to her own.

Rufus said: “This is beyond humiliating. I’m supposed to wear pyjamas like this weird human just because she buys me food and the occasional tennis ball? How dare she make me adopt her species’ culture when she’s never even sniffed an arsehole.

“My ancestors were wolves who would have devoured humans like Lauren on sight. But somehow I’ve ended up dancing around her house for treats just so she can make a viral TikTok.”

“And now pyjamas? Or ‘jim jams’ as she nauseatingly calls them. What will she do next – put me in a suit like I’m a bank manager? I need to go and piss over something urgently or I’ll have no animal instincts left in me.”

Lauren said: “Rufus looks so cute in his little pyjamas. You can tell he loves them because he’s barking with happiness.

“I understand that nightwear is the kind of gift better suited to humans who understand what pyjamas are and actually need them, but sadly I’m too busy developing Rufus’ doggy yoga schedule to have any real friends.”

Five obvious gaps in the market for Christmas cards

THERE’S a sickeningly large selection of Christmas cards for people like partners, parents and siblings. But Clinton Cards is missing a huge and lucrative trick by ignoring these groups…

Neighbours

You’re not 100 per cent sure of their names. You think it’s Jane and Mike, but you’ve a nagging feeling it might be June and Mark. Now you’re too embarrassed to ask after being neighbours for six years. You could take a punt and get their names wrong, or you could avoid lasting social agony by giving them a card simply saying ‘Happy Christmas, neighbours’.

Secret Santa

You got roped in to the office Secret Santa, with its excessively generous £10 limit, but you drew Clare in accounts and she’s extremely tedious, not hot and can’t help your career. Give her a card with the message: ‘Hi Secret Santa buddy! I got lumbered with you but you don’t merit a present. Here’s a card instead!’ Use the £8 saved to buy yourself more chocolate.

Virtue signallers

People who pompously announce they’re not sending cards and are giving the money to charity instead are deeply suspect. They’ve probably trousered the cash but you can’t prove it. Send them a scathing passive-aggressive card that says: ‘This year I’ve decided to send cards AND donate money to charity.’ Then forget to hand over the charity money and buy some Scandinavian-style slipper socks that play Once in Royal David’s City.

Your toxic ex

Just because you dumped someone due to their cheating/boozing/life-draining personality doesn’t mean you can’t send them a card to gloat about how you’re free. Choose from messages like: ‘Have a happy Christmas – I know I will now I’m shot of you, shithead’ or ‘Best wishes, you cow. Hope your new boyfriend hasn’t run off screaming yet’. It’s probably psychologically unhealthy, but that’s what they said about Dahmer.

Your brother-in-law’s parents

You see them once every three years when you go to your sister’s house on Christmas day. They’re miserable as sin and have weird rules like you all have to watch one person open their presents before the next person can open theirs. You have to buy them something because they got you a McVitie’s savoury biscuit selection box. Give them a card with the ambiguous message: ‘Happy Christmas. See you in another three years if you’re not dead. Fingers crossed.’

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