Celebrity

FREAK wrangler Simon Cowell has signed a 50-year-old woman after footage of her slamdunking a cat became an internet sensation.

BRAVE X Factor judge Cheryl Cole has overcome her recent death with the aid of hooks and pulleys.

X FACTOR winner Joe McElderry's eagerly-anticipated first admission of gayness is to be released this week.

LINDSAY Lohan has been assured that jail will be reminiscent of her 2004 hit film Mean Girls but with a lot more large, aggressive bull-dykes who want to use her for sport.

ATHEISTS claimed victory last night after the church which hosted Jordan's marriage blessing failed to burst into flames.

EVERYONE who has watched the Kerry Katona sex tape has died mysteriously within a week, it was claimed yesterday.

MODEL and TV presenter Alexa Chung is to become the face of boiled pigs' intestines, it was announced last night.

THE Queen is to put some balls in her mouth for the first time in more than 50 years, Buckingham Palace has confirmed.

BRITAIN was last night trying desperately not to think about what Katie Price branded perfume actually smells like.

A NEW 24-hour telephone helpline has been launched to fill the gaps in Britain's rolling Christine Bleakley requirements.