Celebrity

BRITAIN has been inspired and energised by the joining together of Pippa Middleton's left and right buttocks.

KATE Middleton's parents have finally been subjected to a series of horribly offensive comments by Prince Philip.

THE Middleton family has unveiled Britain's most middle class coat of arms.

HUGH Grant is back on top of the Hollywood A-list after rave reviews for his new film The Englishman Who Went to a Pub With a Hidden Microphone.

TV bad boy Jeremy Clarkson remains filled with inner turmoil after shattering Richard Hammond's heart into a million tiny pieces, it has emerged.

THE Church of England has urged Prince William not to hop on a passing skank if Kate Middleton gains a few pounds.

TV spiv Derek Acorah has perfomed a mysterious ritual to rid an ordinary family of its self-esteem.

AS the Fukushima nuclear power station teeters on the brink of a catastrophic meltdown, someone has pointed out that it looks a bit like Fern Britton.

MOST British teachers are not famous enough to be able to inspire their pupils, according to a new report.

KATE Middleton has set up her own secret wedding list at John Lewis, it emerged last night.