Celebrity

CHERYL Cole has described her marriage to a Frenchman as ‘perfect’, because they have no idea what they are saying to each other.

THE death of Tommy Ramone has left most people who wear Ramones t-shirts emotionally unaffected.

IRISH fans of country star Garth Brooks have been offered a stout BBC pundit as a replacement.

ACTOR George Clooney may break the habit of a lifetime and switch from the Daily Mail to the Daily Express.

THE prime minister has hosted a drinks party honouring the economic contribution made by the country's twats.

CHRISTIAN Bale has become permanently stuck in character as a gifted yet pretentious actor.

THE Queen’s visit to the Game of Thrones set in Belfast was dominated by detailed questions about the show’s sexual content.

WRITER Jeanette Winterson secretly enjoyed a delicious cat-based lunch, it has emerged.

RESEARCHERS have admitted defeat in the search for a picture of Tony Blair looking trustworthy.

ANGELINA Jolie and Brad Pitt were last night forced to tell William Hague they planned to spend the evening alone.