THE cannibals behind TV’s Masterchef planned to eat Greg Wallace when he reached sufficient plumpness, it has emerged.
Suspicions were aroused after Wallace praised every dish that was either a pudding or in a rich sauce, raising questions about why he was employed as a cookery show judge.
A subsequent police raid on the series’ production office revealed recipes and diagrams showing Wallace being variously roasted, broiled or sealed in a plastic bag and dunked into one of Masterchef’s ubiquitous water baths.
A police spokesman said: “Masterchef was run by a cartel of wealthy gourmands who crave the ultimate delicacy – human flesh.
“They’d been fattening up Greg for years but he’s never quite reached maximum edibility during previous series.
“This year the ‘competitors’ – highly-paid employees of the cannibal cartel who deliberately split their sauces to feign nervousness – had been asked to step it up with the short crust pastry and liquid-centred chocolate desserts.
“The genius of the plan was to broadcast it on national television. Recession-hit audiences would consider Greg to be a greedy sod and there would be little public impetus for a search when he disappeared.
“Wallace was one roulade away from death.”
