Celebrity

THE Queen is to put some balls in her mouth for the first time in more than 50 years, Buckingham Palace has confirmed.

BRITAIN was last night trying desperately not to think about what Katie Price branded perfume actually smells like.

A NEW 24-hour telephone helpline has been launched to fill the gaps in Britain's rolling Christine Bleakley requirements.

THOUSANDS of television viewers still believe that Cheryl Cole is not a special effect created in a damp bedroom, it emerged last night.

VICTORIA Beckham has been fitted with the brain of an alcoholic physics genius, it has been confirmed.

BRITNEY Spears is to be frozen in a tube until pop standards decline sufficiently for her to relaunch her career, it was confirmed last night.

THE Duchess of York has admitted to an 'appalling lack of judgement' after giving the impression that her former husband does something.

DAILY Mail columnist Jan Moir was facing calls to to resign last night after attacking Boyzone singer Ronan Keating's 'sleazy' heterosexual lifestyle.

KIM Kardashian would like to draw your attention to her breasts, it was confirmed last night.

POP icon Beyonce has launched a range of branded products designed to help self-pleasuring male fans to clean up after themselves.