Horoscopes

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) Why not take a blurry black and white photo of your mandingo using Instagram and get the whole office to coo over it by telling them it’s an ultrasound of your firstborn kid?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) 
This week will be a series of unexpected journeys, meeting new people and facing difficult challenges. Yes, you’re going to jail.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) 
Following the success of the Titanic anniversary voyage, you start plans on a commemorative reconstruction of Amelia Earhart’s last flight across the Pacific using a couple of box kites and a lawnmower engine.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)You’re right that deodorant is completely unnatural, but so is vomiting into my own hands on the top deck of an 82 bus, you malodorous git.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) 
Few takers this week as you promise to attend regional council meetings for local businessmen in return for a Big Mac meal.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) After watching the Tulisa sex video several times this week you come to the inescapable conclusion that she is obviously miming.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR) Jupiter is going to pass very close to Venus in the night sky this week and as they draw level you swear you hear them say something about your fat arse.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR) 
A busy day at work this week as your colleague's claim that there’s nothing worse than back pain sees you building a convoluted scrotum hammer for underneath his desk.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR) Your decision to open a karaoke bar in Cardiff pays dividends this week as you spot a gaggle of cackling women headed by, one with 600 grand burning a hole in her pocket.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! And I’ll give you twenty quid if you can get me some rubber gloves and a big jar of goose fat while you’re at it.