Horoscopes

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) Romance isn’t dead, but since you backed the car out of the drive on the way to the restaurant, her cat most assuredly is.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) Your interest in appearing on University Challenge quickly wanes when you realise it's not about asking tosspot students to step outside.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) If I were a rich man, yubbydibbydibbydibbydibbydibbydibbydum. All day long I’d biddybiddybum, if I were a wealthy man. Which probably explains why I’m not.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) Look for the bare necessities, the simple bare necessities, forget about your worries and your strife. And thank you for calling the Benefits Helpline.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) This week, your no-nonsense attitude to work gets you sacked from the homeopathic pharmacy.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) You may not know much about art, but you know what you like. It’s just a shame that happens to be rearranging your balls on public transport.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) Time to burn off excess holiday pounds by eating the last of those of prawns you opened on Christmas Eve.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC) Remember that the police will be focusing on drink drivers right now, making it the perfect time to start kidnapping dogs again.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC) Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Thanks for that, he was a right old prick.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC) This week why not conduct a major survey where you somehow forget to ask a lot of rioters why they are such arseholes?