Horoscopes

Psychic Bob Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) It's about that ringtone of yours. The one of that terrorist puppet shouting 'I Keell You!' Well, the thing is, unless you delete it immediately, I will 'keell' you. So, you know, something to think about there.

WITH PSYCHIC BOBSagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC) Exploring new romantic territory can be somewhat intimidating, but it will feel a lot tighter.

WITH PSYCHIC BOBLeo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Try and spend some time with the kind of people who make you laugh out loud. Spazzers or mentals.

WITH PSYCHIC BOB Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)Are you constantly in motion – tapping your pen, moving your leg as you sit, thoughts whirling around in your brain like a monsoon? Well fucking stop it, you annoying bastard.

WITH PSYCHIC BOBCancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)Someone who offers you a helping hand might have a hidden agenda. Perhaps they are planning to sell it to a fertility clinic afterwards? There again, who cares?

WITH PSYCHIC BOBCancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)True love is never easy. If you really want it you'll have to put in lots of hard work and do quite a bit of disgusting stuff with fluids.

WITH PSYCHIC BOBCancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)You've been single for so long that you’ve forgotten what your parts are for. Try washing them faster and see if that jogs any memories.

WITH PSYCHIC BOBCancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)You've been working way too hard! Give yourself a break: set aside today for some relaxing masturbation.

WITH PSYCHIC BOBGemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)Don't waste all your attention on someone who doesn't give back the same level of love. A quick blow job next to the bins is quite sufficient.

WITH PSYCHIC BOBGemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)Sick of the singles scene and night after night of meaningless sex with strangers? Your wife isn’t.