Horoscopes

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) Silence around the Christmas dinner table as your uncle says he hasn't seen that much meat stuffed up the same bird since he was in Bangkok with the Merchant Navy.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC) This week you complete your novel about a dejected historian who becomes convinced that inanimate objects and emotional situations encroach on his ability to define himself. It needs a car chase.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)In eight years, Hitler managed to gain and lose an empire that stretched the breadth of Europe, while in the same amount of time you've just about managed to paint your bathroom. Even taking into account all the bad Nazi stuff he's still better than you.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)A romantic weekend away is the perfect opportunity to pop the question your soul has demanded the answer to but your heart has dared not ask. Just don't use the word 'dirtbox'.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) Summer lies dead on the ground, Spring is just a distant glimmer on the horizon and in between stretches a barren, frozen wasteland of dark mornings and biting arctic winds that seek out life and kill it. Still, at least there's X Factor, eh?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP) The people who say that the best form of revenge is a life well-lived have clearly never pissed through the letterbox of a dole officer who's turned down your sickness benefit claim.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP) Extra flavour can be achieved by placing cloves, star anise and garlic under the skin. If they're circumcised, just swab it with Marmite.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP) Put the fun back into suicide notes by blaming a completely innocent person for your fractured mental state.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP) As Jupiter moves into a position between Mercury and Venus, make sure everyone has given their written permission before you switch on the camcorder.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)I'm afraid you're decision to swap your office chair for a bottle of White Lighting means you can no longer describe yourself as a 'functioning' alcoholic.