Horoscopes

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it. Or put some clamps on it and had it pierced. Slamming it in a kitchen drawer would have been interesting too.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Why not finally ruin the promise of your early directorial career by releasing what appears to be a big-budget remake of Mortal Kombat with the word 'Bender' in the title?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair. 'Pearl necklace' my giddy arse.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Success in the Dragon's Den as you secure £500,000 worth of investment in your machine that fires snakes at Duncan Bannatyne.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL) So no-one told you life was gonna be this way. Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA. Good.

Psychic Bob Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)If you love somebody, set them free. Stockholm Syndrome is a wonderful thing.

Psychic Bob Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)Enough is enough. Jeremy Bowen must reinstate his moustache.

Psychic Bob Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL) In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree? Because Olivia Newton John completely fails to mention it.

Psychic Bob Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL) If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen, take your top off and then get back in the kitchen and cook my fucking dinner.

Psychic BobGemini (21 MAY-20 JUN) An awkward moment this week when you see your ex on the arm of somebody who looks remarkably like you. Except he's got hair and teeth.