Horoscopes

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) This week you phone your broadband provider to ask if they do a 'Masturbating Music Thief' package.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) If you're quitting smoking, it's a lot easier if your other half knows how it feels to give something up, which is why you've secretly been slipping crack into her Weetabix each morning. Until today.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL) Still no word from the Dragon’s Den about your asparagus-flavoured baby milk that lets you know when your baby’s pissed its nappy.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)Time to have your bowels examined after you take a dump at a music festival and the Portaloo throws up.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL) This week two Wall Street billionaires swap your life with that of a homeless man for a dollar bet. After three days the homeless man is begging for his old life back.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)After being star-struck when you walk past a minor Eastenders actor during a visit to London, it briefly occurs to you that, given every action has an equal and opposite reaction, the actor must have briefly felt pleb-struck.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN) Congratulations on losing four stone! Only three more bits of that whole "Boring, pig-ignorant, big fat shitbag" thing to deal with. Good luck! 

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN) Good news as your pseudodocumentary Made In Hoxton, which follows the semi-scripted adventures of a bunch of unforgivable, sneering TV pricks, is given the green light.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN) Financial disaster as your website rating MPs by their sexiness is hit with several thousand lawsuits for vomit damage.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN) Either you're trying to grow a moustache or you've had an armpit implant on your top lip. Either way, you look like a Frenchman.