Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Congratulations on losing four stone! Only three more bits of that whole “Boring, pig-ignorant, big fat shitbag” thing to deal with. Good luck!

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you misinterpret the objective of your company’s outward-bound teambuilding trip as you return to the office with a bag containing the heads of your entire department.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You will have a disappointing trip to the cinema this week, telling people that X Men First Class is a woefully-scripted film that lurches from one genre to the next with no respect for narrative or continuity, when in fact you’ve walked out after the trailers.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Relaxing in a hammock with a beer in one hand, watching the smoke from your cigarette curl upwards into the limitless azure canopy of the summer sky. What could be better? Well, answering the 999 calls that come into your fire station, for a start.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
The next time somebody on the bus starts playing music loudly on their phone, confuse the bejesus out of them by pulling out a clarinet and having an extremely loud conversation down it.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
I think that whole assisted suicide thing could really work for you.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
I’ve got a whole lotta love. I’ve got a whole lotta love. I’ve got a whole lotta love. No seriously, it’s been three years and it’s starting to affect the way I walk. Could you at least describe your underpants?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Almost halfway through the year, so how are those New Year resolutions doing? Tell you what, I’ll give you a shiny pound if you can remember what they were.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Why not threaten to do something unspeakably awful so when you later promise to do something less terrible you’re seen as having backed down rather than acting the total shit?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you may find yourself in need of emotional support. Therefore making it just like every other week. Have you given any thought to just getting a fucking grip?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You regret eating that big bag of magic mushrooms after you have a freaky hallucination where you order a load of shopping from Tesco home delivery and what turns up is what you actually asked for.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
What’s that coming over the hill? Is it a monster? Oh, I’m terribly sorry, how long have you two been married?

Festival-goers hoping acts won't distract from camera phone use

AS the festival season begins, there are growing concerns the events are increasingly focusing on music instead of gratuitous, ego-driven amateur photography.

Festival promoters are booking increasingly expensive line-ups featuring so-called ‘bands’, prompting fears that live music is a deliberate attempt to distract people from constantly taking pictures.

Tom Logan, 26, said: “The point about being at a festival is gathering the pictorial evidence proving to everyone else that you were at a festival, for which you read need one crowd shot about every 19 seconds.

“Then you stick those images on Flickr so that everyone thinks you have an amazing, cool life and don’t spend nine-tenths of the year working in a recruitment job because you’re actually a dreary, witless sack of shit.

“That last bit was totally hypothetical, of course. I am cool.”

He added: “Last year at Glastonbury there were some really noisy, bass-y band type things that were shaking my iPhone around so that I couldn’t get a several dozen priceless shots of my friends wearing colourful hats while eating falafels on drugs.

“I just hope Michael Eavis and co aren’t going all ‘music’ on us, that’s all.”

This year also sees the launch of the first fully photography-centric festival, Photobury Fayre.

Promoter, Julian Cook, said: “There’s no acts, just thousands of people in a field lifting each other up just high enough so they can get a really good shot of the crowd.

“We may also throw in some large polystyrene dinosaurs that people can be photographed pretending to have sex with.”