Horoscopes

Psychic BobGemini (21 MAY-20 JUN) Your new girlfriend is quiet and unassuming, maybe slightly aloof, as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. And of course, butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, what with you keeping her in the freezer.

Psychic BobGemini (21 MAY-20 JUN) Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, there's a land that I dream of where I don't have to put up with my pig-fucking, redneck aunt and uncle and the old bitch that's trying to kill my dog.

Psychic BobGemini (21 MAY-20 JUN) Your foray into Satanism fails this week after reciting the Lord's Prayer backwards does not conjure up the devil but does makes you sound like an Estonian.

Psychic BobTaurus (April 20-May 20) The book you're currently reading is a sensitive and subtle portrayal of a young man's loss of innocence in the pre-industrial Midlands and as such is not a patch on Andy McNab's Towel-head Armageddon.

Psychic BobTaurus (April 20-May 20)Should an action be judged on its moral intent or on its benefit to society? And can either method be used to justify you repeatedly having sex with your neighbour's dog?

Psychic BobTaurus (April 20-May 20) With the calls of red macaques in your ears, you wake up on Wednesday to a sweeping vista of golden veldt through which a lowing herd of wildebeest graze a broad, lazy path. I don't care if it sounds racist, but Guildford's just not the same anymore.

Psychic BobTaurus (April 20-May 20) After establishing that it's not a competency issue, a personality clash or a gap in training needs, your are finally dismissed for coming into work on 'casual Friday' dressed as Der Fuhrer.

Psychic Bob Taurus (April 20-May 20) Our destiny can be shaped from birth, and this is certainly the case with you as you continue to flail through life screaming, covered in lumpy slime and being slapped by complete strangers.

Psychic Bob Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) As a child you would always play with the boxes the toys came in, so your wife shouldn't be too surprised this week when she comes home to find you wearing her cocktail dress.

Psychic BobPisces (20 FEB-20 MAR) Peeling wallpaper? Leaking shower? Broken tiles in the kitchen? I wonder if they're in any way connected to the suspiciously stained sofa, the early morning cans of Kestrel Super Lager, and the fact you're watching One Tree Hill in charity shop underpants?