Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week, your no-nonsense attitude to work gets you sacked from the homeopathic pharmacy.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
If (W-X) x Y+Z=A, where (W) is number of people dead, (X) how many weeks ago they died, (Y) is how horrific the death was and (Z) how young they were, then you want an answer of under 3. So just enter the figures yourself the next time you’ve made up a ‘sick’ joke rather than telling it then cheekily asking ‘too soon?’, you lazy prick.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your entry to the Sky reality show Got To Dance sees a visit from the RSPCA to explain that the producers don’t want to see any more cats tied to a hotplate.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You will have a sudden revelation this week as you realise with relief that losing the support of the unions has never made any party ever lose an election, ever. Being a useless bellend remains an issue.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You can call it an ‘isotonic performance fuel’ all you like but you know perfectly well your main customers are the severely hungover who were last seen inside a gym during PE.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
After complaining to the cinema manager that The Artist didn’t have any dialogue in it, this week you’re complaining that War Horse did.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Do I love you? My oh my, river deep mountain high… no, I’m not avoiding the question, actually.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week, you tell your friends about the hilariously abusive things you say to telephone cold callers, because they deserve it, those ‘minimum wage earning, just trying to make a living’ arseholes.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’ll always remember her as ‘the one that got away’ or, as the newspapers will dub her, ‘the only survivor’.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
With the current vogue for amateur astronomy, it can only be a matter of time before somebody spots all those old tires and engine parts you dumped on the moon a few years ago after the local tip’s fees became literally astronomical.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your presentation for Cash Converters’ didn’t go well after you suggested rebranding them as ‘Grief Enablers’.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Revenge is a dish best served cold. So is trifle. You don’t see trifle on menus much these days, do you? It’s a shame because there’s nothing better than a really well-made trifle. Except revenge.
