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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Time to burn off those excess holiday pounds by eating the last of those of prawns you opened on Christmas Eve.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your first experience using a singles website for people who work in uniforms goes badly when your date turns up direct from his job at Aldi.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
I didn’t know medieval knights used Facebook, because that really is the only excuse for using the word ‘methinks’ in a status update, you tiresome bastard.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week you’ll be expanding your horizons, from judging people on one talent you don’t have to a whole range of talents you don’t have.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Oh, I just died in your arms tonight, it must have been something you said. Or it was your personal hygiene.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
After not being able to touch your toes for years, you’re finally able to after the surgeons amputate your foot due to obesity-related diabetes.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Time to decide which of your credit cards to try and pay off first. Personally, I’d go for the handwritten one you got off that Polish bloke in the pub.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Fortunately, one of your New Year’s resolutions was to spend the next 30 years in a spit-flecked cell having the liver beaten out of you for being a racist piece of shit.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Films can remind you of important moments in your life, like the first time you met your sister in law. Just don’t say that to your missus the next time you watch Last King of Scotland.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you cement your reputation as the office joker by taking everybody hostage at gunpoint while wearing psychotically-applied white makeup.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Still no word from Universal Pictures on your script, a cross between a war film and quirky French comedy, called Military Tatou.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
For those about to rock, we salute you. For those about to Coldplay we hope you get Lupus.

La Senza pins hopes on Human Centipede range

STRUGGLING lingerie giant La Senza is to relaunch with the introduction of a new range inspired by The Human Centipede films.

The high street chain hopes La Senzapede will mirror the success of plus size retailer Evans, whose ‘I Spit on Your Grave’ line proved a surprise autumn hit, and Tie Rack which fought a sales downturn with its Cannibal Ferox Collection.

La Senza’s creative director, Nikki Hollis, said: “Our customers want to combine function with aesthetic – easy access regardless of which body part is stitched onto a tourist’s anus, yet stylish enough to keep him guessing.

“Women nearer the business end of the centipede reported problems with blood poisoning.  They’ll be delighted with the alluring Septicemi-bra, secretly reinforced to catch any melted organs which might embarrassingly pop out of the nipples when excited.

“They might want to elegantly accessorise with the boned Distender Belt for gassy choleric moments and offset with the wipe clean Sharter Garter.”

She added: “Complete the look with the Dr Gillian McKeith Queef-Brief. She wasn’t in the movie but it tested well in our Croydon focus group. It was the DHL guy’s idea.”

There has been a backlash from some groups, claiming the range encourages performance enhancing surgery and trivialises defecation.

Father Stephen Malley warned: “Women should stick with the natural digestive process as recommended by Jesus.”

But Hollis said: “Has Father Malley ever really spoken to any of our customers? I advise him to tag along to one of their cosy Pilates classes. If he doesn’t leave with dysentery then he clearly understands nothing about recreational contortion and the lower bowel.”

 

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