Horoscopes

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Everyone has an opinion on your arsehole. No, hang on, that’s not right...

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) If I knew you were coming I’d have baked a cake. Because you’re diabetic.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) The motivational sign on the wall of your gym says “Nothing is impossible” is proven wrong when you try to cancel your membership.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) It’s often comforting to think that ‘in 100 years' time none of this will matter’, but in your case we could replace ‘years’ with ‘seconds’.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) You know that alcohol isn’t always the answer, unless the question is ‘Why is there no room in your fridge for a pint of milk?’

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) In support of the Russian band Pussy Riot, you decide to form your own band called Cock Public Disorder.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) Money's Too Tight (to Mention), which kind of renders this song redundant.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) God gave rock & roll to you. Gave rock & roll to you. And you turned it into U2.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) You’re thrown out of your local beauty clinic this week for asking if they’ve got any of that awesome-sounding laser hair they’re always removing.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) A roadside advert shows you've missed yet another gig from the popular band Fatal Collision.