Horoscopes

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Zombies, for f*ck’s sake? What are you, 12?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) You watch Home Alone on rewind, where it’s about a family who’ll only adopt a boy once he’s proven he can knock shite out of burglars.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) This week you buy your girlfriend some Jimmy Choo perfume because you’ve always wanted to go out with somebody who smells like feet.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Since you ask, I don't think strippers accept Nectar points.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) You’ve had no booze or fags since New Year ’s Day which would be impressive if you weren’t trapped under a wardrobe.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) This week you will convince a court that it’s possible to embarrass a man who calls himself ‘Rocknroll’.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) You're still convinced that the fireworks on December 31st were to celebrate that massive shit you had.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Shot through the heart and you're to blame, you give love a bad name. Not to mention archery tuition.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Good news as the Jedi religion opts out of gay marriage. Lucas made Han & Leia, not Fran and Leia.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You're unconcerned about diseased ash trees because you know all plants go to Heaven.