Horoscopes

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Temporarily giving up drink wasn't easy but as the 30th approaches you feel it's been a worthwhile half-hour.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Why not liven up a boring day at work by starting the shut-down process on your computer, then quickly trying to write an email?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) House hunting can be tedious so why not slap the walls and ask the owner if they’d take a sex harness load in excess of 300lbs?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) The boozer on your street is declared a 'gastro-pub' by locals because it serves cheese toasties.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) You’ve always managed to avoid tension in the office by being absolutely unemployable.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) It appears the producers of Paranormal Activity 4 are running out of ideas, as you find you've paid £10 to watch paratroopers acting in an unremarkable way.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) The debate about when to use ‘less’ rather than ‘fewer’ has passed you by, more or fewer.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) After building a time machine you decide not to travel back to 1920s Germany to kill Hitler as planned and instead set the dial for a 1975 episode of Top Of The Pops.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) After the self-denial of Stoptober you’re really looking forward to Smokecrackcember.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) The nights are drawing in so it’s time to knock the naked Satanic rituals on the head until next year and go back to the good old C of E.