Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After a Pakistani politician puts a $100,000 bounty on the head of the filmmaker of ‘Innocence Of The Muslims’, you have a whip round with your friends to get £500 and Zack Snyder’s home address.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your work life and productivity has improved greatly ever since you managed to get yourself a daisical.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
While you’re glad that The Sun went with your ad slogan “Get Involved” you’re disappointed that they didn’t go with the rest of the slogan “In A Disgusting Smear Campaign That Should Make You Want To Dive Off Beachy Head In Shame & Self-Disgust”

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You queued for hours outside the shop but you finally managed to get your lovely, shiny new phone. You just need to look online for how to change the ringtone on a Nokia 1680.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
A friend who works in television says that, despite their jovial and relaxed appearance, even after 18 years both Ant & Dec maintain rumble-readiness.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
There’s no pleasing some people – your sister got annoyed when you laughed your arse off after you saw her first newborn kid but apparently offering your deepest condolences after seeing the second one isn’t appropriate either.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A frustratingly surreal day in the kitchen as you open the cupboard to find the strong flour has twisted the lids off all the jars.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’re still on the run from the police after your boss discovered you’d been ejaculating into colleagues’ tea cups. Your mugshot is everywhere.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
While Speyside whiskies tend to be quite delicate and the Islay malts heavier and more smoky, the one your neighbour knocks out in his shed generally causes you to go blind for a couple of hours and induces mindbuggering panic attacks.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
The nights are drawing in and it’s getting chilly outside so it’s time to knock the naked Satanic rituals on the head until next year and go back to the good old C of E.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Tracing back your family tree really teaches you a lot about history, such as which offences have been hanging offences for the last 200 years.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your platonic female friend made a bet that if you were both single in ten years’ time you’d marry each other. That was 9 years and 10 months’ ago and she’s currently trawling a homeless shelter using the finger buffet reception as an inducement.