Horoscopes

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) When sending back wine for being lacklustre or corked, ignore the waiter's protests that he's 'actually a priest'.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You're shocked to discover The Hobbit was totally ripped off from Willow.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Your interview with David Bowie starts badly when you point out that ‘Major’ Tom would actually have been ‘Squadron Leader’ Tom.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) You should have a night off the booze but I’m not sure an 18-hour blackout really counts.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Enjoy your Easter weekend slapping chocolate out of the hands of your atheist friends and asking why they’re not at work.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Your nan fails to thank you this week for the sweater you get her with the ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ logo.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You lose finally lose several pounds this week, when you have your foot amputated.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) The death of Hugo Chavez hits you pretty hard until somebody tells you he wasn't a footballer.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) After buying a pin cushion you now have really comfortable pins.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Apparently, The Wonderstuff’s Size Of A Cow contains traces of Jethro Tull’s Heavy Horses.