Horoscopes

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) That Mars advert where the bloke goes in goal is so unrealistic - Scott Parker in an England shirt?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON! Then second left, follow the ring road, you can't miss it.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You’re still convinced that Carly Simon is somebody called Simon who looks a lot like somebody called Carl.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) SHABBA!

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Ancient Sumerian. There’s no need for that kind of language.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Might as well face it, you’re addicted to love. And crack.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me squint and have really aged my face.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) Scooby Doo or Scooby Doo Not. There is no Scooby Try.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) It’s not a Retro Pop Up Street Food Experience, it’s a hot dog van.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) With high levels of homelessness amongst ex-servicemen, you’re relieved that Prince William has managed to find some digs.